Your Personality Based on Your Favorite Hamptons Beach

Recently I got to thinking about what all of the different beaches in the Hamptons do for people and what type of personality is drawn to each beach. Here are my thoughts. Don’t @ me.

I’m suddenly a Long Beach in Sag Harbor guy. This has been going on for two summers. The reason is that it is great for kids and has good Wi-Fi (Courtesy of Hamptons.com!) Its close to my house and the parking lot is insanely close to the beach so no big lugging routine to set up my spot. Also, I have a young daughter and Long Beach is great for kids.

Ditch Plains, Montauk – You are one of two people. You’re in the middle of a mid-life crisis, decided to take up surfing, spent an insane amount of money on the gear, even bought a specific vehicle to house your surfing gear, and you hit Ditch Plains beach as often as possible and do your absolute best to not suck at surfing, but you absolutely suck at surfing. You are either this guy, or you’re the type of person that absolutely hates this guy.

Main Beach, East Hampton – You think Norman Rockwell paintings are awesome and you think Disney World is a perfect vacation. You like to have things just so, almost obnoxiously perfect. You love everything about 1950s America and love any movie directed by Stephen Spielberg or that stars Harrison Ford. For some reason, you have purchased the exact same pair of Sperry’s that you wear to the beach every summer. You don’t understand Crocs, but they are growing on you.

Georgica Beach, East Hampton – You’re quiet, reserved, need privacy, hate social media, hate it when anybody talks about Georgica Beach, want to be left alone, and are a very spiritual person. You like the surfers that go to Georgica, so long as they are over “there” by the Jetty. You live in fear of erosion, and every year are fascinated that Georgica Beach is still there and always will be.

Atlantic Beach – You live in Springs, but you love the ocean more than the bay and you like the ice cream there more than Indian Wells Beach or you grew up going to Atlantic and just naturally dislike anyone that goes to Indian Wells Beach. Every summer though, you check out Indian Wells beach to see if the people there are cooler and resolve that they aren’t and are satisfied with your endless devotion to YOUR beach. Indian Wells can go to hell.

Indian Wells Beach – You live in Springs but you love the ocean more than the bay and you like that Indian Wells Beach has a food truck, unlike those spoiled brats at Atlantic Beach. You’re a purist, this beach is sacred and historic. Every summer though, you check out Atlantic Beach to see if the people there are cooler and resolve that they aren’t and are satisfied with your endless devotion to YOUR BEACH. Atlantic Beach can go to hell.

Coopers Beach, Southampton – You like big things. You like things done right, you like convenience, and you also like large gatherings of people. You’re a social butterfly, people like you, you like them, you like the day, you like the ocean, what time is it? We have to leave soon we are having lunch at San Ambrose. Every quarter you attend a large athletic event, and you always have the best seats.

Cryder Beach, Southampton – You read books. You like to pack your own lunch, or you don’t eat because your fasting. You’re insanely rich but nobody knows it, or you are insanely broke and nobody knows it. You have a sticker on your car and you’re pretty sure that you are good to go to Cryder, but not completely sure.

Long Beach, Sag Harbor – You have kids under 5. You’re a little lazy when it comes to going to the beach and you don’t want to walk so far. You have a growing appreciation for the bay. You have ZERO problems watching Netflix while at the beach. You’re a fan of Espresso’s Pizza in Sag Harbor. OR you are utterly insane and just want to sit at the damn beach with your cigarette and be left alone before you have to go back to your shift at the Corner Bar.

Ocean Road, Bridgehampton – You are either insanely rich and live around the area and decided to go to the nearest beach OR you’re not from around town at all and just drove in randomly from Pensylvania because your wife wanted to see what all the fuss was about in the Hamptons and you googled the words “Ocean Beaches in the Hamptons,” and the first thing on Google Maps that popped up was Ocean Road. OR You’re local to Springs, Sag Harbor, Hampton Bays, Southampton, but you work for some reason in Bridgehampton, and you want to look at the water on your lunch break.

Sagg Main, Sagaponack – You know an odd amount of information about movies or television because someone you know is a good friend that works in movies or television OR you know a lot of people who work in the stock market. You like Sagg Main, but you kinda wish that the bathrooms were cleaner and you secretly curse the town every time you have to use the porta-potty because the bathrooms are being worked on. You’re a beachgoer that likes to hit the beach in the late afternoon because you love the drumming that takes place there at night. You used to surf, but now you don’t so you go to Sagg Main.

Mecox Beach, Bridgehampton – You have an affinity for fishing, and you love fishing so much that it’s a big part of your identity. You have a boat, which you would rather be on, but your wife made you go to the beach today so you brought your surfcasting gear. You get panicky when you see fish in the ocean and have a text chain of other fishermen who all lie to each other about where the fish are, except for you. You’re the honest one. You’re the only one that tells them it’s good at Mecox today, but nobody shows because they think your lying.